GOD

When I was a little girl, I was Baptized and brought up in the religious affiliation of Roman Catholicism. Being a rambunctious 4 old in my dark blue silk Sunday School dress with white ruffles, I didn't have a care in the world. I just wanted to color that cool picture of Jesus or St. Paul. My only concern was trying to stay inside the lines.

The year I turned 7, I was brought to live with my aunt from my mothers side. She had thought it to be a great idea to have me and my younger brother attend a Seventh Day Adventist Church. It was hard for me to conform to a different set of rules while attending the church. It was emotionally harder because I always thought that going to church was supposed to be a family affair. Growing up in a small town in Northern California, you were sneered at if your entire family didn't attend church come Saturday morning. My brother and I were dropped off on the sidewalk ever Saturday at 7am and picked up at 1pm after the church potluck. As for eating meat which I had become accustomed to as a little girl, forget about it! I did muster enough courage to ask my aunt why she didn't attend church with me and my brother. Her response was less than disappointing. She felt that she had paid her dues as a child. Since when did church become an obligation?

Between Pathfinders, youth groups and outings, we were surrounded by religion and our world engulfed in the teachings of the way of the Adventist.

The summer I turned 17, I was forced to move out and start living for myself. As your average teenage girl, my emotions were like a roller coaster. I felt that if my parental figures considered me adult enough to move out, then I needn't to no longer attend church. I stopped going and more than willingly gave up the religious world altogether. I no longer wanted any part of it. It had left a sour taste in my mouth. I had given up on God, as I felt he had given up on me.

Throughout life my faith has been tested many times. The hardest part for me to comprehend was how people use God as an excuse or a crutch for their mistakes. For example; if you take your classic drug addict and either throw them in jail or put them through rehab, when all is lost and they have hit rock bottom, almost overnight they become a whole new person who has turned over a new leaf. They find God! They preach to the world about how God has saved them from their sins. They talk about how God has washed away all their transgressions. Come three months down the road, God isn't present in their minds or hearts anymore. They're not thinking about how to spread The Word so that God can work for others as he has in them. Oh no, they're thinking about that next hit, that 40 oz. in a brown paper bag, or that next hustle. Then just like that, God is gone as if he never existed in the first place. Maybe six months later he will reappear when they are back where they started. Rock Bottom.

Having seen this over and over again, I had decided that organized religion was not worth my time. The orderly church and the so-called people of religion have become so convoluted. So much negativity has come out of religion. People love, cry and die by their faith. Faith alone has lead many people (including myself) to question God in times of devastation.

As an adult I had attended a few Christian churches, some Catholic churches and one Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have not committed myself to any one religion and don't plan on it anytime soon. This makes me a perfect target for those who like to recruit new members to their churches. I found organized religion very contradictory. Yes; follow the 10 commandments and just believe; that alone will get you into heaven. But the deeper you get into any specific religion, the more rules apply in order for you to make up to those puffy white clouds.

I'm not trying to paint a disdain picture of organized religion, or detour avid believers by any means. God and organized religion has many benefits as well. I always felt a little empty without the belief of God, so my faith always remained. My affiliation however was always in question, which is why I choose not to attend church. Many realists will say that believing in God makes you naive. I like being naive. Being naive helps me not think negatively or become overwhelmed by life.

Now that I'm older, I longer concerned myself with attaching myself to any specific religion. I figure that God (assuming he exists), would want me to be happy. My childhood religious influences have provided me with a good foundation, which I believe everyone should have. However, as for picking a religion to follow, I choose not to go that route.

My Attempt at Ramadan

I only lasted 3 days for this Ramadan thing. Pitiful; I know. I thought that I could at least drink water between sun up and sun down, but you're not allowed to even do that. You can' t do anything whatsoever! By the second day, my mood had changed from spunky to bitch-o-rama. Of course I didn't want to subject anyone to my bitchiness due to lack of food & drink so I gave up by third day. I don't think I even want to guess how I would be by the 15th day. Perhaps next year, I will attempt it again. People think I'm weird for following an Islamic custom. Especially for not being Islamic. But how are we to begin to even understand people and their customs if we don't attempt to partake in some of them? Participation is key to unlocking true understanding. Reading up on the information in books isn't enough. I have no intention of following the Islamic tradition, but to grasp a little bit about their culture is broadening in itself.

I saw "Him" out at the bar and he thought I shot him a dirty look. Silly boy. Perhaps I did, but I didn't mean it that way. He was in the middle of talking/hugging someone and I thought it rude to interrupt him. (thought - Hmmm, I must have powerful looks...). I thought the best approach would be to just make eye contact to make myself known. Besides, he was there with his friends and I was there with mine. Poor fella, he was so drunk though; and a quiet drunk at that too. It's comforting to know that he doesn't cause drama, get rowdy or obnoxious when drunk. He does however get loverly-like which I found so darn adorable and irresistible. I was slightly buzzed but that's because I didn't want to drink, as I had to get up at 4:45 a.m. to be at work at 6:00 a.m. Note: I was actually awake until 2:30 a.m. Ouch is right!

Usually guys I have dated in the past had at least one or two big-deal mannerisms or habits that always made me have to contemplate if it was something I was willing to overlook or not. Usually the answer resulted in me no longer speaking to them and moving on. For the last guy, he didn't do very well by the third date. Perhaps everything is still new and I'm seeing Barbie-doll pink though my rose colored goggles, but it is indeed nice so far.

The only downfall to this new butterfly feeling is that I didn't realize that by seeing him, my game would be completely trashed. Every single one of my guy friends are not very happy with me right now. I don't know what they expect from me, really... One wanted to take me to Chicago on a trip coming up, the other was pissed off at the fact that I was allowing "Him" to excessively flirt with me, and then there was one whom I've known for many years and is also a friend of "Him" confessed his heart to me. Boys are always fickle. I don't like to concentrate on figuring them out. I have a hard enough time trying to figure myself out sometimes.

One thing has been on my mind since Saturday night. Since my old best friend and I broke off our friendship almost one year ago, the entire group of girls that we mutually hung out with took to her side and stopped speaking to me. This is fine, but at least be civil when you see me. Saturday night, I ran into one of the girls I used to hang out with. I at least expected a fake hello, but she just glared at me and walked right past me. She was no less than one foot in front me and she said nothing and walked away. I found her actions rude since I never did anything to hurt her. She was always one person I respected and adored because she was the most positive person out of the group. I think I'm spending way too much time thinking about this. People who are going to act aloof and cold to me do not need more emotion that I've already spent.

This week it's back to Yoga and Budokon. I haven't done it for at least a week and a half because I've been deep cleaning the darn house. So, as of tomorrow morning, I start again. Wish me luck with my sore muscles. ^_^

Belle Amour

Not everyone Experiences love in exactly the same manner.

Research has shown that love comes in several different forms or styles. For the most part, people experience love as a blend of two or three of the styles listed below. Essentially, people have different notions of what it means to "be in love".

Styles of Love:

Eros - some people experience love with a lot of passion, intimacy and intensity. Love based on Eros has a strong sexual and emotional component. People who experience love this way want to be emotionally and physically close to their romantic partners and they tend to idealize love. Such love is marked by passion as well as compassion (kindness and consideration).

Ludus - some people experience love as a game to be played with other people's emotions. The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner through manipulation. People who experience love as Ludus like to have multiple love interests where they are in complete control. Lying, cheating and deception are common for people who experience love as Ludus - it's all part of the game.

Storge - some people experience love as a gradual and slow process. When love is based on Storge, getting to know someone comes before having intense feelings for that person. Love based on Storge takes time, it requires genuine liking and understanding of a partner, and it develops slowly over time. Love based on Storge is often compared to the love that one has for a friend.

Agape - some people experience love as care-giving. Love is the overwhelming desire to want to take care of a partner - a parental or nurturing type of love.

Mania - some people experience love as being out of control. Love is an overwhelming experience; it turns one's life upside down and it results in a complete loss of one's identity. Love based on Mania is crazy, impulsive, needy, and short lived. People who experience love as Mania fall in love quickly, but their love tends to consume them. Their love also tends to burnout before it gets the chance to mature. Such love is often marked by extreme delusion.

Pragma - some people take a practical approach to love. Love is not crazy, intense, or out of control. Love is based on common sense and reason. People who experience love as Pragma tend to pick a suitable mate the way most other people make serious life decisions: picking a partner is based on careful consideration and reason.

Finally, it is interesting to note that people who experience love as Mania make perfect targets for people who experience love as Ludus.

And the love styles listed above have also been linked to one's style of attachment. Secure individual tend to experience love as a combination of Eros and Agape. Anxious individuals as Mania, and Dismissing individual as Ludus.

Overall, when thinking about love and relationships, sometimes it helps to keep in mind that love does not always mean the same thing to everyone.

Relationships

When trying to make sense of our close relationships, it also helps to understand how people form romantic attachments to each other.

To begin with, people differ in their comfort with intimacy in a very predictable manner.

Different Styles of Attachment

Briefly, the way we form an attachment to our romantic partners is based upon the kind of care we received as an infant. And as infants, we typically form an attachment to our primary caregiver, in one of three ways.

Please note, this page draws on the work of Bartholomew, Bowlby, Shaver and Hazan's work on attachment styles and Cole and Let's review of research on attachment styles.

As Children

When caregivers are consistently available and responsive, infants form a secure style of attachment (also see, Ainsworth). By and large, secure children feel safe and comfortable, and are able to explore and develop new skills with minimal anxiety or concern.

When caregivers are inconsistent or overly protective, however, infants form an anxious or preoccupied attachment to the person primarily responsible for their care. Anxious or preoccupied children monitor their caregivers more closely, attempt to stay by their caregiver's side and respond more dramatically when in trouble. Anxious children are simply more fearful and less confident than infants who are securely attached.

Finally, if caregivers are neglectful, infants are likely to develop a dismissing style of attachment. Dismissing children show few signs of needing their caregivers, they do not spend a lot of time trying to get their caregiver's attention, and they do their best to cope with problems on their own.

As Adults

When we fall in love as an adult, the style of attachment formed as an infant influences how we treat our romantic partners.

People who formed a secure attachment to their caregivers tend to form a secure attachment to the person they love.

Individuals with a secure style of attachment have more satisfying and longer lasting relationships. Secure individuals are comfortable being close to their partners. They are comfortable having someone depend on them just as they are comfortable being dependent on another individual. Being more trusting, open, and understanding, they approach problems and issues that may arise with their partners in a constructive manner.

People who formed an anxious or preoccupied attachment as an infant, by comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an adult. Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner's love ("do you really love me?"). Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. These adults are obsessed with their relationships and everything that happens in them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn't care about them. Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; you can't love them enough, or be close enough to them, and they constantly monitor their relationships for problems. Ironically, their need for love, makes it easy for anxious individuals to be taken advantage of when it comes to love and romance, which in the long run can create even more suspicion and doubt.

Finally, people who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners. As adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they actually fear it. They do not like it when people get close, and they don't like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them. Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities than their relationships. They also get easily annoyed with their relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward their loved ones.

Attachment Styles Influence How We React

Knowing if you have a secure, anxious/preoccupied or dismissing style of attachment is important because it influences what happens in our romantic relationships.

It influences how people think, feel, and behave. Almost every relational behavior from jealousy to infidelity to deception is influenced by one's attachment style.

The following example shows how important attachment styles can be:

Imagine that you are engaged and that your fiancé is going out with his or her friends for the evening. Your fiancé says that he or she will be home by midnight and that he or she will give you a call at that time.

Now, imagine that you have a secure attachment style and it is after 1a.m. and you notice that the phone hasn't rung. You are probably thinking that all is well, your fiancé is out having fun and he or she will call you in the morning – no big deal.

Now, imagine that you have an anxious or preoccupied style of attachment. The exact same scenario – its 1a.m. and the phone hasn't rung. What's going through your mind and how are you dealing with the situation? How many times have you checked your phone to make sure it is working or how many times have you thought about calling your fiancé? Maybe you've even decided to go out and track him or her down.

Finally, consider what a person with a dismissing style of attachment would be experiencing. Do you even notice the phone hasn't rung? Probably not.
Now, let's fast forward to the next morning. Your fiancé calls early in the morning.

How would a secure individual respond? As a securely attached individual you are pleased to hear from your fiancé and would probably ask "What happened last night?" And as a secure person, you are most likely to be satisfied with the explanation that is given.

As an anxious/preoccupied person, however, you will be a complete wreck, having been up all night imagining the worst and most likely plotting some sort of way to get even. By the time the phone finally rings, your anger and frustration can't help but show, whether through sulking or putting your fiancé on the defensive by asking accusatory questions ("How could you do that? Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn't you call when you said you would?").

Finally, as a dismissing individual you will probably be wondering why your fiancé is bothering to call so early in the morning – "What do you want?"

Simply put, people don't see the world as it is, rather we impose our beliefs on what we experience.

It helps to understand how we form attachments to romantic partners because our style of attachment influences so much of what happens in our close relationships. Again, one's attachment style influences our experience of jealousy, self-disclosure, conflict resolution, love, commitment, lying, infidelity, sexual behavior, just to name a few (see, Wikipedia for more on attachment styles).

For instance, anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to experience jealousy, while dismissing individuals are much less likely to do so. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to engage in too much self-disclosure, while dismissing individuals try not to reveal things about themselves. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are overly eager to make relational commitments while dismissing individuals are uncomfortable doing so.

If you are curious about you and/or your partner's attachment style - you can take an "attachment test" below, on another website.

Please note that there are four styles of attachment, but we only discuss three of them here. To date, most of the research on attachment has focused on secure, anxious/preoccupied and dismissing individuals.

Attachment Test

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Budokon

Okay, Budokon kicked my butt last night. I think I was already tired when I started it though. I tried a new way or running last night and it worked. I ran two miles, walked one mile, ran two miles then walked the last one. Then I came back and did an hour of Beginner's Budokon. I thought it was more like Tai Chi, just small smooth yoga moves. But to my surprise, it was a nice mix of yoga and martial arts. I got a pretty good workout. I didn't realize that it required so much stretching. The instructors make me look like a total wimp. I think about a dozen more times of doing the Kandulini yoga and the Budokon will stretch out my muscles.

On Karma: I must have had a good dose of good Karma because I took my car in to get it repaired and the estimate is less than half of what I thought it would be. Today...is a good day! Oh, and happy birthday to me, from me.