My Attempt at Ramadan

I only lasted 3 days for this Ramadan thing. Pitiful; I know. I thought that I could at least drink water between sun up and sun down, but you're not allowed to even do that. You can' t do anything whatsoever! By the second day, my mood had changed from spunky to bitch-o-rama. Of course I didn't want to subject anyone to my bitchiness due to lack of food & drink so I gave up by third day. I don't think I even want to guess how I would be by the 15th day. Perhaps next year, I will attempt it again. People think I'm weird for following an Islamic custom. Especially for not being Islamic. But how are we to begin to even understand people and their customs if we don't attempt to partake in some of them? Participation is key to unlocking true understanding. Reading up on the information in books isn't enough. I have no intention of following the Islamic tradition, but to grasp a little bit about their culture is broadening in itself.

I saw "Him" out at the bar and he thought I shot him a dirty look. Silly boy. Perhaps I did, but I didn't mean it that way. He was in the middle of talking/hugging someone and I thought it rude to interrupt him. (thought - Hmmm, I must have powerful looks...). I thought the best approach would be to just make eye contact to make myself known. Besides, he was there with his friends and I was there with mine. Poor fella, he was so drunk though; and a quiet drunk at that too. It's comforting to know that he doesn't cause drama, get rowdy or obnoxious when drunk. He does however get loverly-like which I found so darn adorable and irresistible. I was slightly buzzed but that's because I didn't want to drink, as I had to get up at 4:45 a.m. to be at work at 6:00 a.m. Note: I was actually awake until 2:30 a.m. Ouch is right!

Usually guys I have dated in the past had at least one or two big-deal mannerisms or habits that always made me have to contemplate if it was something I was willing to overlook or not. Usually the answer resulted in me no longer speaking to them and moving on. For the last guy, he didn't do very well by the third date. Perhaps everything is still new and I'm seeing Barbie-doll pink though my rose colored goggles, but it is indeed nice so far.

The only downfall to this new butterfly feeling is that I didn't realize that by seeing him, my game would be completely trashed. Every single one of my guy friends are not very happy with me right now. I don't know what they expect from me, really... One wanted to take me to Chicago on a trip coming up, the other was pissed off at the fact that I was allowing "Him" to excessively flirt with me, and then there was one whom I've known for many years and is also a friend of "Him" confessed his heart to me. Boys are always fickle. I don't like to concentrate on figuring them out. I have a hard enough time trying to figure myself out sometimes.

One thing has been on my mind since Saturday night. Since my old best friend and I broke off our friendship almost one year ago, the entire group of girls that we mutually hung out with took to her side and stopped speaking to me. This is fine, but at least be civil when you see me. Saturday night, I ran into one of the girls I used to hang out with. I at least expected a fake hello, but she just glared at me and walked right past me. She was no less than one foot in front me and she said nothing and walked away. I found her actions rude since I never did anything to hurt her. She was always one person I respected and adored because she was the most positive person out of the group. I think I'm spending way too much time thinking about this. People who are going to act aloof and cold to me do not need more emotion that I've already spent.

This week it's back to Yoga and Budokon. I haven't done it for at least a week and a half because I've been deep cleaning the darn house. So, as of tomorrow morning, I start again. Wish me luck with my sore muscles. ^_^

Belle Amour

Not everyone Experiences love in exactly the same manner.

Research has shown that love comes in several different forms or styles. For the most part, people experience love as a blend of two or three of the styles listed below. Essentially, people have different notions of what it means to "be in love".

Styles of Love:

Eros - some people experience love with a lot of passion, intimacy and intensity. Love based on Eros has a strong sexual and emotional component. People who experience love this way want to be emotionally and physically close to their romantic partners and they tend to idealize love. Such love is marked by passion as well as compassion (kindness and consideration).

Ludus - some people experience love as a game to be played with other people's emotions. The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner through manipulation. People who experience love as Ludus like to have multiple love interests where they are in complete control. Lying, cheating and deception are common for people who experience love as Ludus - it's all part of the game.

Storge - some people experience love as a gradual and slow process. When love is based on Storge, getting to know someone comes before having intense feelings for that person. Love based on Storge takes time, it requires genuine liking and understanding of a partner, and it develops slowly over time. Love based on Storge is often compared to the love that one has for a friend.

Agape - some people experience love as care-giving. Love is the overwhelming desire to want to take care of a partner - a parental or nurturing type of love.

Mania - some people experience love as being out of control. Love is an overwhelming experience; it turns one's life upside down and it results in a complete loss of one's identity. Love based on Mania is crazy, impulsive, needy, and short lived. People who experience love as Mania fall in love quickly, but their love tends to consume them. Their love also tends to burnout before it gets the chance to mature. Such love is often marked by extreme delusion.

Pragma - some people take a practical approach to love. Love is not crazy, intense, or out of control. Love is based on common sense and reason. People who experience love as Pragma tend to pick a suitable mate the way most other people make serious life decisions: picking a partner is based on careful consideration and reason.

Finally, it is interesting to note that people who experience love as Mania make perfect targets for people who experience love as Ludus.

And the love styles listed above have also been linked to one's style of attachment. Secure individual tend to experience love as a combination of Eros and Agape. Anxious individuals as Mania, and Dismissing individual as Ludus.

Overall, when thinking about love and relationships, sometimes it helps to keep in mind that love does not always mean the same thing to everyone.

Relationships

When trying to make sense of our close relationships, it also helps to understand how people form romantic attachments to each other.

To begin with, people differ in their comfort with intimacy in a very predictable manner.

Different Styles of Attachment

Briefly, the way we form an attachment to our romantic partners is based upon the kind of care we received as an infant. And as infants, we typically form an attachment to our primary caregiver, in one of three ways.

Please note, this page draws on the work of Bartholomew, Bowlby, Shaver and Hazan's work on attachment styles and Cole and Let's review of research on attachment styles.

As Children

When caregivers are consistently available and responsive, infants form a secure style of attachment (also see, Ainsworth). By and large, secure children feel safe and comfortable, and are able to explore and develop new skills with minimal anxiety or concern.

When caregivers are inconsistent or overly protective, however, infants form an anxious or preoccupied attachment to the person primarily responsible for their care. Anxious or preoccupied children monitor their caregivers more closely, attempt to stay by their caregiver's side and respond more dramatically when in trouble. Anxious children are simply more fearful and less confident than infants who are securely attached.

Finally, if caregivers are neglectful, infants are likely to develop a dismissing style of attachment. Dismissing children show few signs of needing their caregivers, they do not spend a lot of time trying to get their caregiver's attention, and they do their best to cope with problems on their own.

As Adults

When we fall in love as an adult, the style of attachment formed as an infant influences how we treat our romantic partners.

People who formed a secure attachment to their caregivers tend to form a secure attachment to the person they love.

Individuals with a secure style of attachment have more satisfying and longer lasting relationships. Secure individuals are comfortable being close to their partners. They are comfortable having someone depend on them just as they are comfortable being dependent on another individual. Being more trusting, open, and understanding, they approach problems and issues that may arise with their partners in a constructive manner.

People who formed an anxious or preoccupied attachment as an infant, by comparison, are more likely to be preoccupied with their relationships as an adult. Anxious or preoccupied adults are constantly worried and anxious about their love life - they crave and desperately need intimacy - but, they never stop questioning their partner's love ("do you really love me?"). Anxious individuals are concerned that their partners will leave them. These adults are obsessed with their relationships and everything that happens in them. They rarely feel completely loved and they experience extreme emotional highs and lows. One minute their romantic partner can make their day by showing them the smallest level of interest and the next minute they are worried that their partner doesn't care about them. Overall, anxiously attached individuals are hard to satisfy; you can't love them enough, or be close enough to them, and they constantly monitor their relationships for problems. Ironically, their need for love, makes it easy for anxious individuals to be taken advantage of when it comes to love and romance, which in the long run can create even more suspicion and doubt.

Finally, people who had a dismissing style of attachment as an infant are likely to form a dismissing attachment to their romantic partners. As adults, dismissing individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy - they actually fear it. They do not like it when people get close, and they don't like being dependent on a partner or having someone be dependent on them. Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities than their relationships. They also get easily annoyed with their relational partners and often display negative feelings and hostility toward their loved ones.

Attachment Styles Influence How We React

Knowing if you have a secure, anxious/preoccupied or dismissing style of attachment is important because it influences what happens in our romantic relationships.

It influences how people think, feel, and behave. Almost every relational behavior from jealousy to infidelity to deception is influenced by one's attachment style.

The following example shows how important attachment styles can be:

Imagine that you are engaged and that your fiancé is going out with his or her friends for the evening. Your fiancé says that he or she will be home by midnight and that he or she will give you a call at that time.

Now, imagine that you have a secure attachment style and it is after 1a.m. and you notice that the phone hasn't rung. You are probably thinking that all is well, your fiancé is out having fun and he or she will call you in the morning – no big deal.

Now, imagine that you have an anxious or preoccupied style of attachment. The exact same scenario – its 1a.m. and the phone hasn't rung. What's going through your mind and how are you dealing with the situation? How many times have you checked your phone to make sure it is working or how many times have you thought about calling your fiancé? Maybe you've even decided to go out and track him or her down.

Finally, consider what a person with a dismissing style of attachment would be experiencing. Do you even notice the phone hasn't rung? Probably not.
Now, let's fast forward to the next morning. Your fiancé calls early in the morning.

How would a secure individual respond? As a securely attached individual you are pleased to hear from your fiancé and would probably ask "What happened last night?" And as a secure person, you are most likely to be satisfied with the explanation that is given.

As an anxious/preoccupied person, however, you will be a complete wreck, having been up all night imagining the worst and most likely plotting some sort of way to get even. By the time the phone finally rings, your anger and frustration can't help but show, whether through sulking or putting your fiancé on the defensive by asking accusatory questions ("How could you do that? Where were you? Who were you with? Why didn't you call when you said you would?").

Finally, as a dismissing individual you will probably be wondering why your fiancé is bothering to call so early in the morning – "What do you want?"

Simply put, people don't see the world as it is, rather we impose our beliefs on what we experience.

It helps to understand how we form attachments to romantic partners because our style of attachment influences so much of what happens in our close relationships. Again, one's attachment style influences our experience of jealousy, self-disclosure, conflict resolution, love, commitment, lying, infidelity, sexual behavior, just to name a few (see, Wikipedia for more on attachment styles).

For instance, anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to experience jealousy, while dismissing individuals are much less likely to do so. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are more likely to engage in too much self-disclosure, while dismissing individuals try not to reveal things about themselves. Anxious/preoccupied individuals are overly eager to make relational commitments while dismissing individuals are uncomfortable doing so.

If you are curious about you and/or your partner's attachment style - you can take an "attachment test" below, on another website.

Please note that there are four styles of attachment, but we only discuss three of them here. To date, most of the research on attachment has focused on secure, anxious/preoccupied and dismissing individuals.

Attachment Test

http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl

Budokon

Okay, Budokon kicked my butt last night. I think I was already tired when I started it though. I tried a new way or running last night and it worked. I ran two miles, walked one mile, ran two miles then walked the last one. Then I came back and did an hour of Beginner's Budokon. I thought it was more like Tai Chi, just small smooth yoga moves. But to my surprise, it was a nice mix of yoga and martial arts. I got a pretty good workout. I didn't realize that it required so much stretching. The instructors make me look like a total wimp. I think about a dozen more times of doing the Kandulini yoga and the Budokon will stretch out my muscles.

On Karma: I must have had a good dose of good Karma because I took my car in to get it repaired and the estimate is less than half of what I thought it would be. Today...is a good day! Oh, and happy birthday to me, from me.

Teas Me Please!

What's a-matcha with you? The new rising sensation as of late for health conscious people is the consumption of green tea. I've been on this green tea kick for a while now and I've tried many types and in different forms and variations. I've had the green tea mochi ice cream, green tea mints by Sencha, I've even replaced my coffee addiction with green tea. My latest favorite is the Jamba Juice Tahiti Green Tea smoothie with an extra matcha green tea powder boost. Although it sounds healthy, that puppy delivers a whopping 240-480 calories depending on what size you get. I wont even talk about the sugar....

Recently I've turned my interest onto the matcha green tea. What is it? Is it actually tea, or a derivative of green tea? Does it have caffeine? What is the nutritional value and most importantly, how accessible is it?

So I did a little research with the help of my little friend "Google" and found out this out:

What is matcha?

Matcha is powdered green tea from Japan which can be made as a tea or used as an ingredient. Premium grade matcha is described as either "thin" (usucha) or "thick" (koicha) and used in making matcha as a tea. Ingredient grade is used in cooking and drink making.

Premium matcha is made in limited amounts in Japan. It is the heart of the "way of tea" and its preparation is celebrated in the Japanese Tea Ceremony.

Why is matcha so green?

Matcha is cultivated with great care. To naturally produce a tea so green, the farmers cover the tea plants with bamboo mats approximately 3 weeks prior to harvest. This step increases chlorophyll content, the production of amino acids and turns the leaves dark green resulting tea sweeter in taste. The process of tencha is when the harvested leaves are then steamed, dried, de-stined (stems are removed) and stone-ground into powder to make matcha. Regular green teas are rolled, steamed and dried in a process called gyokuro.

What does matcha taste like?

It depends on how you make it. Matcha made in the traditional Japanese style, whisked only with water, is a full flavored green tea that pulls your attention to the moment. The initial taste is vegetal and bitter, followed by a lingering sweetness. It's similar to one's first taste of dark chocolate. When added as an ingredient, the taste of matcha becomes more subtle. It adds the flavor and color of green tea to your creation, be it a smoothie, pastry, savory sauce, green tea ice cream etc.

Does matcha have caffeine?

Yes. When drinking matcha, whole tea leaves are consumed, providing 4 to 6 hours of mild, steady energy. It is both a stimulant and a relaxant, perfect for focusing on work, mediation, exercise or play.

How do I make it?

Matcha can be prepared in many different ways. The more traditional way is the use of a ceramic bowl, a sifter, a bamboo whisk called chasen, a bamboo scoop called chashaku and "thin" (usucha) or "thick" (koicha) matcha.

1.) Heat spring or filtered water (not tap)
2.) Place hot water into tea bowl and let sit for 2-3 minutes, empty and dry with cloth (this will heat your bowl)
3.) Rinse bamboo chasen.
4.) Sift matcha directly into bowl or scoop sifted matcha into bowl with the chashaku.
5.) Add 2-3 oz. of hot water (under boiling, 165F - 180F)
6.) Whisk quickly back & forth using a "W" action until lump free to create a slight froth at the top
7.) Matcha is ready to drink

How is matcha priced?

The pricing of matcha in Japan is directly related to its quality. Premium thin and thick grade matcha are made of stone-ground tencha tea leaves grown in the Uji, Kyoto region. These are prized matchas grown in Japan and made in limited quantity. Good quality grade will be more expensive than a lower quality grade.

How do I determine what is good quality?

Matcha tea must be stone ground from it's tencha form to it's powder form (matcha). The process of the stone grinding is an art itself. Without the right equipment (matcha outside Japan is often exploded, lowering quality) and technique, matcha can become "burnt" and suffer degradation in quality. Oxidation is also a factor when determining grade. Matcha exposed to oxygen can easily become compromised. Oxidation smells like hay and affects color and texture as well. The highest grades of matcha have more intense sweetness and deeper flavor than standard coarser grades of tea harvested later in the year. And like grapes when making wine, good grade can also be determined by the location of the tree. The very top would have developing leaves, that are soft and supple. This gives a finer texture to higher grades. More developed leaves are harder, giving lower grades and sandy texture. The better flavor is a result of the tree sending all it's nutrients to the growing leaves.

What does Thick and Thin mean?

Premium matcha is divided into two categories: Thin and Thick. It denotes grade and the style of tea it is used to make. Thin matcha is used to make thin tea. Thick matcha is more flexible and is used to make both thin and thick styles.

Thin Matcha, also called thin tea, is prepared with less tea to more water. The tea is wetter and sweeter prepared in this style.

Thick Matcha can be made as thin or thick tea. It is the highest grade of matcha, stone-ground from the youngest tea leaves. This delicateness gives you the chance to make it as thick as you like, as strong as you like, while still keeping the complexity of taste.

What is ingredient grade?

Ingredient grade is lower grade matcha ideal for cooking and making drinks with. It compliments both savory and sweet creations; it has the same health benefits as high-grade matcha.

Which size is best?

Matcha begins to lose its freshness when opened. You should choose the amount you plan to use within a month's time.
How do I store matcha? Keep matcha cool in the refrigerator to help maintain its freshness. When making tea, scoop out a serving of matcha and replace tin immediately back in the refrigerator. It is best if the matcha tin does not produce condensation.

I just bought my beginner's kit because it was recommended that you start out with the thin version and work your way up to the thick. If anyone wants to know how it goes, just message me.


In my further research, I have always wondered what the difference is between green tea, white tea, black tea and red tea. Here's a brief synopsis of what I found out:

Black Tea - 25-110 ml of caffeine per 5 oz. Picked at it's mature state & undergo withering, rolling, heat & an oxidative process known as full fermentation; fired, then dried. Said to reduce the risk of stroke, lower bad cholesterol & reduce the risk of coronary heart disease by 50% over long periods of consumption. High in flavonoids-phytonutrients & antioxidants.

Green Tea - 8-30 ml of caffeine per 2.50 oz. Picked at it's mature state & undergo withering, steaming or pan-fired, then dried. Can reduce the risk of esophageal cancer. Lowers bad cholesterol levels while improving good cholesterol levels. Helps with cancer, rheumatoid arthritis, high cholesterol levels, cardiovascular disease, infection & impaired immune function. Helps prevent tooth decay. Kills bacteria causing dental plaque.

White Tea - 6-25 ml of caffeine per 2 oz. The least processed tea. Harvested in it's young age & undergo a process of simple steaming & drying. Contains a higher proportion of buds, which are covered with fine 'silvery' hairs that impart a light white/grey color to the tea. Retains antioxidants in higher concentrations. More effective than green tea at inactivating bacterial viruses.

Red Tea - No caffeine. Properties are found in Rooibos bush grown in South Africa. Rich in antioxidants & polyphenols. Beneficial to treatment of high blood pressure, diabetes, mellitus, atherosclerosis, allergic disease, various dermatus diseases, liver disease & cataracts. Can reduce heart disease, fight negative effects of aging & promote elimination of dietary fats. Drinking it has a soothing effect on the central nervous system and can strongly be recommended for people suffering from irritability, stress, headaches, disturbed sleeping patterns, insomnia, nervous tension & mild depression or hypertension. Helps build strong bones because of it's calcium, manganese & fluoride content. Relieves stomach & digestive problems like nausea, vomiting, heartburn, stomach ulcers & constipation. Alpha hydroxy acids & zinc in it promotes healthy & smooth skin. Beneficial in management of allergies like hayfever or asthma.

Dad

In the past few months, my father and I have become a little closer. It started when my curiosity to find out about my family history and where our family originated from became my immediate goal. What started as a personal interest, has know turned into a quest to assure that my father passes on without any more regret. It surprisingly only took me a couple of weeks, but I did end up finding a lot of history about our family's origin. Cuba is where it started, and my grandfather came over here to the United States from what I believe was most likely an attempt to free himself and his family from the grasp of the Communist rule of Castro.

After doing extensive research through Ancestry.com in hopes to find my grandfather, grandmother and aunt; I have been successful at finding my grandfather so far. The quest continues. He passed away in Florida in 1997 at age 80. After seeing this information, I began to think of my dad and how it would make him feel. I knew that he would be filled with regret for not having mended their relationship that was broken when my father was 18 years old. After hearing that I found his late father, my dad was happy and grateful, but however was also sad about this for a couple of days in knowing that he never got to say goodbye.

My father has never been the perfect father and he knows this. He has made many mistakes that he cannot take back. Now that I'm an adult, I've realized what kind of people I want in my life and what kind of people I don't. I quickly forgive those who ask it of me and who know they've made a mistake and wish to correct and make amends.

After 12+ years of not speaking to my father, we slowly started talking about 4 or so years ago. I still felt uncomfortable attending family functions, which is why I never really went. My younger brother at age 17, due to some clash in personalities with the family rasing him decided to live with my father.

Now back to my point because I'm detouring from what I'm trying to say here. One of my brothers of whom I haven't spoken to since I was about 14 years old has accepted me into his home to meet his family for the first time. I was so nervous, scared and unsure of where it would lead. While there, I ate & fidgeted, which happens to be a nervous habit. The meeting went well and better than I had expected for a 10 year separation and still many questions unanswered.

Recently I've expressed a great deal of frustration and sadness to my dad. I've been frustrated at the fact that I've been trying to put this family back together, and for some reason I don't have people in my corner supporting my cause. In a phone conversation with my dad, he expressed to me how incredible grateful he is for finding his father and he fully supports my quest to mend a broken family.

I understand that it is way too early to ask my brother to meet my father. They haven't seen each other in over 15 years. For me there are so many unanswered questions as to why all this absence. But right now, I don't care. I want to form a relationship with my older brother and things have crossed the path, making it difficult to press forward.

It is my quest to put my family back together. It is further my quest to bring my older brother and my father back together after a 15 year absence. I understand that it could be a long shot, but it never hurts to try. I do this now because I don't want my father to have any more regret before he's gone. I further don't want my older brother to bear the same regret that my father bears. It's a deep rooted one and if I can help it, I want to assure that forgiveness is present. I want my brother's family to support this cause any way possible because I know my brother's girlfriend and son are his solid foundation! I do this more for my father because my older brother and I have more time to grow a relationship than my brother with my father. My father isn't deathly ill, but I also don't know how long he has left. I don't want to pressure nor make this an uncomfortable event for the both of them, which is why I'm gently pushing things along rather than throwing them together. I want them both to want it first. My father does, but I'm not going to pressure my brother in case he choose not to, and in turn gets upset at me for making such an attempt.

So at this time, I've decided that I would back away for now and if it's meant to be the course of events will unfold. This quest is not just for my personal gain. My father knows that I've done this for him mostly. I guess that's all that really matters. I love you dad.

The Road Not Taken

The Road Not Taken

Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day,

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I.

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

So I've had a lot of time to think about the direction of my life and my future. I'm always looking for new ways to improve myself and I'm always up for advice for those who can objectively offer it to me. The recent thought I had was deciding which road do I take. The secure one with a guarantee to reach the promise land; or the less secure one that could have adverse consequences with the fear of the unknown outcome definately present. After careful consideration and much input from friends and co-workers, I've decided to take the road less traveled. And while not everyone would agree with me and my decision, it really comes down to what makes me happy and what will make me happy in the future. Right now, it's the road less traveled. So thus being, said, my bags are packed & I'm on my way!