P90X - The Beginning

I realize that I started this log a little late. I'm now ending week five of this P90X journey and I've seen some considerable difference in everything from my agility, balance, posture, energy, strength, endurance and body size.

I first decided to do the P90X workout when I saw people around me doing the workout and enjoying it. Matt has friends who are athletes. I've notice some athletes that I know turn up their noses when they hear about exercise programs you can do in the comfort of your own home. Heck, I'm not an athlete and I'm was not enthusiastic about it. So the fact that Matt's college track friends were doing this workout and loving it, raised my head a little.

First of all, I was out of shape. Seriously; mushy & gushy all over. I've always been semi-active in running long distances and at one point was able to continuously run for 9 miles on a daily basis. I was at the peak of my performance; I looked good and felt good. I ate healthy and made a commitment to run every day (including Sundays). Crazy I know, but I was 22 at the time. I'm now 26 and have problems with my Achilles and other tendons which has given me grief every time I try to run again. When everyone says, "you're body remembers, and it won't take you long to get back to where you were". They are exactly right. My body did remember. In fact it remembered so well, that it surpassed my body itself.

Last year in March of 2008, I volunteered for a running training program through our local Fleet Feet store. It was called "New Balance Couch to 5K". It took an out of shape person from couch-bag-o-potato-chips in hand, and turned you into a 5K (3 mile) runner. They guided you on making healthy choices and slowly building up your mileage so as to not injure yourself.

I was again feeling good. In between that 3 month training program which only committed 3 nights a week towards running made a world of a difference. I lost weight, was feeling good and felt like I was 22 again. I was at the front of the pack the entire time and had a boost of confidence. My clothes were fitting and I was ready to go shopping for smaller clothes. And then I got cocky.

Between those 3 months, I decided that running a couple of local races would only help me. How so wrong I was. I ended up beating my time each race by at least a minute up to 2 minutes which was fantastic, and I became obsessed. During my second race in Sacramento, injured myself and most importantly, the doctor benched me for the rest of the running program with Fleet Feet. I had to sit on the side lines and watch my friends run past me. I was disappointed and determined to do everything I can to get out there without losing my confidence or motivation. Most importantly, my motivation.

I was benched for about 6 weeks and so was my motivation. I went right back to where I was and again, I felt disappointed with the fact that I overused my body and it slapped me back. I had to face the fact that I'm no longer 22, but 26 and my body isn't as forgiving.

So for the next 6 months, I did no activity whatsoever. I made bad eating choices and was right back where I was before. I was unhappy with myself and whatever food I ate didn't do anything but momentarily mask the bad feeling of my diminished self confidence. Not only was it affecting me, but it affected everyone around me. My attitude changed into a pessimistic attitude, I was grumpy and snappy on a daily basis, and my blood pressure was through the roof (separate-but semi linked issue).

When my roommate moved in August, 2008, we vowed to each other to start running. We slowly gained our mileage up to 3 miles. That was when my own my brain and cardio fitness level surpassed my body again and unbeknownst, I injured myself again. I was completely frustrated at this point. The one exercise I love has told me, "you can't do what you did back then kid". I cried to Matt and told him that I was giving up.

So again, I took to the couch and gave up. I accepted the fact that running wasn't my sport anymore.

Going to the gym only lasted about 2 weeks. I didn't feel comfortable there and it just didn't feel right doing an Elyptical Climbing machine for 1.5 hours to make up for running.

So in September of 2008, I kept hearing about P90X this, P90X that. I saw the infomercial, but thought to myself, "Oh, another Jane Austin video routine". September passed by and I noticed a change in Matt's friends. They were still committed to the P90X, and they looked great. My curiosity grew, and I wanted to view the videos before I spent $120.00 on something I'd give up in a week. I never got a chance to view them and by November I took a chance. I ordered the package thinking that I had nothing to loose except $20.00 for shipping & handling. If I didn't like it, I could return it and get my money back.

So I waited, and waited, and waited for 2 weeks. I started it in December of 2008. I didn't want to wait until New Years, simply for the fact that "losing weight" seems to be on everyone else's priority list of resolutions. I thought that if I started in December, I'd still have the motivation to keep going when January, 2009 hit. For $125.00 I upgraded my shipping, added the P90X pull-up bar, received 3 elastic bands, and got a recovery drink included in my order. So here the breakdown of my journey so far:

Week 1 was brutal. I don't remember ever being so sore. Mostly, I thought I could do everything. I had to really take it down 5 notches. My pushups were done on my knees and I was constantly fatigued halfway through the exercise. Also during the first week, I didn't use any weights; not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't have any. I didn't want to use the bands because they were awkward and uncomfortable to use. Not only, that, but I had 0 muscle definition. I'm glad I didn't, because I think it would have been too much.

By week 3, there was no change. I had bought weights a used sports equipment store and was able to use them. By this time, I was following the recipe guidelines and not much change occurred.

Be the end of week 4, I was able to get lower in my squats. My balance, energy and strength was improving, but I was still doing the modified versions of the pushup and pull-up exercises. I was also supposed to take photos at my 30 day mark. I did just that and wanted to cry. I had worked out for 4 weeks and I didn't see any change in my body. I took a peak at the P90X fitness guide and looked online where people showed change in their bodies. I didn't understand why I couldn't see the change in mine.

That was when my roommate Veronica asked me the most important question I'll ever have to answer in my entire life of fitness. "How long did it take you to put on your weight?". I really had to think about this one, "Well, I think it was an accumulation of about 6 months". Then she asked, "Do you really expect to loose 6 months of weight gain in one month?". *DING! I bulb just went off. I realized that I just had to be patient and keep going, and so I have.

I'm now in week 5. I'm now beginning to see a slight difference in my core section and my agility, balance, posture, energy, strength and endurance has improved by at least 60%.

I've missed a couple days of workouts over the holidays, but I didn't punish myself. I simply picked up where I left off.

It's now the middle January, and I remember seeing the Today Show with Matt Lauer and Katie Couric weeks ago. They had 3 women as guests on their show who had lost half of their body weight. When asked how they did it and how long it took, they all had different answers, but equally encouraged me to keep going. For one woman, it took her 3 years to loose all her weight. 3 YEARS, and I'm here complaining about a month. She didn't use any type of surgery major diets like Weight Watchers. She ate healthy and exercised. That's all.

As I end week five, I gained a little humility in the last couple of weeks. My mood has also improved, I feel better and confident about myself, I sleep better at night, I'm making healthy choices in food, and my optimistic self is drowning out my pessimistic self. Mostly, I realize that I'm not a chiseled, 115 lb. size 3. But I also realize that I'm not even halfway through this program, and if I feel this good now, I can't imagine how great I'll feel when I'm done. If I'm a 125 lb. size 5, I'll still be more than excited!

My goal at the end of this program is to incorporate running while doing P90X again!!! Perhaps this time, I wont push myself so hard! :o)

I'll keep you posted as I go through this P90X journey.

.Simplicity.

View On White

Hey guys, need a holiday break? Me too!

My roommate was talking about love tanks. She asked, What fills your love tank? Naturally, I don't know what a "love tank" is, so she explained. "A love tank is something someone does to you, gives to you, or says to you that makes you feel special and loved, thus filling your love tank. For some people; it's receiving a gift, and for others it may be encouraging words from the heart."

So what fills my love tank is Simplicity. When things are clean, simple, clutter free, and my environment isn't overwhelming, I feel at peace. So when I come home and everything is in good pecking order and the house smells Wonderful, my love tank is full! See, I have this small little pet peeve about smelly homes. I don't like being in homes that smell funny or gross, so I'm always lighting candles, plugging in air fresheners to the walls & whatnot.

Since our conversation, I've been trying to fill other peoples love tanks too!

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and I hope your love tanks are filled and overflowing this winter!

FUNNY DUI!

This was so funny, I just had to put it up!



Please do be safe this Holiday Season and don't drive drunk.

My First Face

Matt is such a sport!!! Normally when I try to take photos of him, he gets uncomfortable and nervous and often screws up the photo. This last Sunday we were driving around looking for a place to get some gas and at this moment, I snapped this photo of him seeing an open spot. I hate car shots, but I had decided to play with it and see where it got me. I ended up with a lovely portrait of him with my favorite feature, his eyes. I love candid moments!

On a side note. I can stare at this thing all day and often times got back for a looksie....I just get all warm and fuzzy until I go home to the real thing. :o) *Be still my heart!

I've also been experimenting with my signature. I like it's location at the bottom of the photos, so that it doesn't take away from the photo itself. You can let me know what you think.

Here is the before photo of him in the car:

Straight No Chaser - 12 Days of Christmas

These guys are awesome! I grew up in a Choir and I LOVE anything a capella!

On a side note, I'm a big Toto fan too! HA!

Free Starbucks to Voters!

Did you vote? Starbucks will be giving away free coffee to voters today. You just drive up the window and tell them you voted. It's that easy. But, please do be kind and pay for your coffee if you didn't vote. I voted a couple weeks ago by mail.

Photo courtesy of: ruolf_schuba

Matcha Tea

I was so excited. I have a foreign exchanged student from Japan and she knows fresh Matcha. I'm the type of girl who only demands the best and will not settle for less. I was purchasing matcha off the shelves of our local Asian markets, and she informed me that a lot of what they had on their shelves were expired. She directed me to an online site, matchasource.com. I tried some this morning, and wow. I can definitely tell the difference between fresh and outdated matcha. :o)

Old Man River

It's August 21, 1859, on William Ellison's cotton plantation in Como, Mississippi. Ellison discusses politics with George Palmer, the town's local judge. They sit rocking in their chairs overlooking Ellison's cotton fields, taking short puffs of their cigars while a mulatto girl without a name slowly fans Ellison.

Moments later, Mrs. Ellison brings out some fresh lemonade from the kitchen and sets it on the table between the two men. She leans over and kisses Ellison on his sweaty forehead and walks back into the mansion to begin her cross-stitching.

Meanwhile, the 300 men, women and children are bent over in 112 degree heat, hand picking cotton one by one and loading it into woven grass baskets strapped to their backs. A small slave boy by the name of Carter walks by with a wooden bucket of stream water and a ladle. He stops by each pair of workers and offers a drink.

Off in the distance, a newly purchased slave by the name of Humphrey starts humming a well known tune, Old Man River; a song taught to him by his mother when he was 8 years old. It had been 24 years since he had seen her, yet he remembers every word and note. He pauses to remember what she always told him. "The only thing you own in this world that The Man can't take from you is your soul". After a few minutes, he slightly smiles and starts singing the words out loud.

"What do you got that boy doing over there?", asks Palmer.

"He's watering my cattle.", replies Mr. Ellison.

"Watering your cattle? Now why would you want to do something like that? Seems sort of wasteful. You can't eat them. They don't even produce milk. The only thing those things are good for is working and reproducing; sometimes a little pleasure if you find the right one. I prefer the 12 year old ones myself, they're fresh and they're easier to hold down", Palmer says with a chuckle.

"It's kind of hard to squeeze milk from a hungry cow, George. It's more cost effective to keep them healthy and happy. Healthy and happy cattle work harder and produce more", Ellison replies while glaring at him from the corner of his eye.

Palmer now uncomfortable, clears his throat and takes two quick puffs of his cigar. After a few minutes of silence, he says,"There are talks of war you know."

"So I've heard."

To be continued.......

Makes You Wonder

Ever since stinkerbell1 uploaded a picture of an African boy and his bucket, I've been more conscious about water conservation. I've started to take note and modify my old habits like:

1.) Letting the water run while I brush my teeth
2.) If there was any condensation in my water bottle I throw it away
3.) Giving the dogs fresh water every day
4.) Standing in the shower 10 more minutes just to feel the warmth

I've managed to get a hold of #1 & #3, but #2 I'm still working on, and #4 is....well....! ^_^

Raindrops

"Raindrops keep falling, because I'm freeeeee, nothing's worrying meeeeeee..."

Way better on black

I'm so ready for the rain to come! ^_^

All Tuckered Out

The life of a puppy: He likes to sleep on the couch pillows. Balian & Samson will play for hours and then just collapse wherever they tend to be at that moment in time.

Lately, Samson has been making his way towards the couch pillows to rest his head. Sometimes I know he's dreaming when I see his paws twitch and hear a slight whine.

Have You Found Your Halloween Costume Yet?

Have you found your Halloween costume yet? I think every year, costumes get more and more creative. It's just another reason why I love this season.

These people look like they just stepped off the set of "28 Days Later". They're actually people partaking in the Toronto Zombie Walk, 2008. I never heard it before until now, and I'm wondering how many cities do this.

Photos are taken by WV

Wedding Day Blooper

My co-worker sent this video to me at work today & it cracked me up. Is it so wrong to laugh at other peoples expense? Well, sometimes it is.

Wire Dress Form

I've never seen one of these before as a decorative garden piece. It's not a bad idea though. What was once used as a tool for making extravagant dresses, turned into a home decorative piece; has now made it's way to the garden. I think this was one of the best pieces I saw there that day.

I now want one for my home!

Mini Pumpkin Wreath

I found this cute craft item at on Armelle's blog page. It's such a cute idea. This girl has such great ideas. Mine didn't turn out as well, but I had fun making it!

I was going to hang it on my door, but I just realized that it was not wood. So it's hanging on my wall.

One of the pumpkins just fell off, so I'm off to reglue it back on. ^_^

Here's how you make it

Supplies:
White or orange mini pumpkins [enough fill your wreath]
Wire wreath from craft store
Ribbon
Hot glue gun & glue

Directions:
Wrap the ribbon around the wire frame and glue it in place
Tie a ribbon around the wreath for hanging.
Glue the mini pumpkins to the ribbon

You're done!

I Voted!

It's been 8 years since I've voted and today I mailed my ballot.

I'm also becoming more accustomed to navigating my way though my blog. I haven't logged on as frequently as I should, and I felt it was time for an upgrade and cleanup of my page. I spend most of my time on Flickr because I've developed a love for photography. Perhaps I should find a way to interlink Flickr and my blog.

I've also found a couple bloggers, Chere Amie and Armelle, who's pages are really neat, clean, and informative. Perhaps when I get savvy with blogging, I will have a cool page too!
So some new and exciting things will come soon!

The Life and Death of Mr. Bee (a short tale about learning to let go)

Today's labor was just like any other day. Much of the morning was spent bouncing from flower to flower and putting in an honest days work.

"Today feels different than all the rest", thought Mr. Bee.

He contemplated this for several minutes, then attaching no great deal of importance, he continued to gather pollen for the honey that was to be made.

After several more hours of gathering in the fields, he began to grow tired. Looking up at the sun, he realized that where the sun was positioned, told him it was now 4 o'clock and time for Siesta. This was his favorite time of the day. During Siesta, he could relax and day dream of the vastness of the world.

Grabbing his red & white igloo he buzzed about looking for nice surface to catch some afternoon sun while enjoying his meal that Mrs. Wife prepared for him this morning. Afterwards, he would take a small nap for ~15 minutes before heading back to work.

With his belly full and the sun beaming down on his body, he began to close his eyes and relax. His breathing slowed down and he started to drift off. A light Southern breeze brushed his wings to gently cool him off.

Mr. Bee liked the occasional breeze now and again; it kept him cool while the sun warmed him gently. As, another breeze brushed over him, he noticed that this breeze was a lot stronger than the last.

Feeling a little uncomfortable he woke and decided that perhaps, he should lay somewhere else. But before he could grab his lunch pale the intensity of the breeze increased.

"How peculiar for the weather to suddenly change, there must be a storm coming", thought Mr. Bee. "I best hurry and find another spot".

Suddenly the breezed turned into a strong wind. At this time, Mr. Bee began to worry and concluded that this was no time to look for another place. If he were to let go of the surface he was holding onto, he would be blown away into an oblivion. As the wind increased in intensity the tighter Mr. Bee's held onto the surface. By now he was facing a 60 mile per hour wind which it frightened him. He wasn't sure how much longer he could hang on, and hoped that it was only temporary.

"I must hold out as long as I can. I need to finish my work. I need to see my larvae grow into fine worker-bees; and Mrs. Bee, what would happen to her? Who would gather for the larvae when I'm gone? Who will work the fields? Who will gather the pollen to make the honey? NO! My work is not finished yet."

The wind grew increasingly stronger and Mr. Bee's grip began to weaken at the same time. The wind was now 70 miles per hour and Mr. Bee was holding on for dear life. In an instance, foot lost it's place and he slipped. He dangled by one foot and his mild fear turned into panic. He tried to gain his grip back, but it was no use. By this time, he had accepted his fate. He now knew that mother nature would not allow him to live and he began to pray. With Mr. Bee hanging by one foot and the wind at 72 miles per hour, he finally let go. The wind carried him and twirled him up in the air.

"If this is the way I must go, let it be quick", said Mr. Bee.

Suddenly the wind began to slow down. 50 mph, 40 mph, 20 mph, 10 mph, then suddenly, stopped. Mr. Bee so weakened by the ordeal, tumbled to the ground. He feel at an alarming rate when his fall was broken by the soft cushion of the petal of a white dandelion.

Mr. Bee took a deep breath and sat up. He knew he was in unfamiliar territory and undoubtedly, lost. It was of no consequence anymore, he was alive and that's all that mattered to him. As he slowly regained his senses, he noticed that he was completely covered with pollen from wing to antenna. Not on part of him wasn't covered. He was so delighted and began to click his feet together. He leaped into the air and with a gasping pause, he could see miles and miles of untouched dandelions. It was a complete ocean of white and yellow dandelions. He couldn't see the beginning nor end of the field, and this excited him.

"Jackpot, I just hit the Jackpot", Mr. Bee screamed with delight.

He scanned the fields of dandelion and could see in a far off distance, the fields where he had worked this morning. He realized that he wasn't far from where he had began his day earlier, could trace his steps back home.

He sat back down on the petal of the white dandelion and thanked the heavens for the wonderful gift.

...and I, I kept driving.

Notradamus vs. Edgar Cayce

VS.

A couple of weeks ago, I saw this documentary on the History Channel about Nostradamus and Edgar Cayce (people who predict the future). Everyone knows, or has at least heard of the late Nostradamus and of his amazing prophecies made of future events. Vague and unclear of the actual meaning, scholars and historians have successfully hypothesized the actual meaning of his written and filed 941 quatrains. Reading his work is about as much fun as reading The Bible itself from cover to cover, or some 17th Century Shakespearean play. Not to say that his work isn't valid for his time, but over the years, scholars and historians have diluted the meaning so much that is has become more translucent than purified water. That by which his prediction of:

"Sad counsels, disloyal, cunning, wicked advice, the Law will be betrayed: The people stirred wild, quarrelsome, In borough as in town, the entire peace hated".

This makes about as much sense as a 3 year old learning to talk. Come now, use your words Nostradamus, use your words.

Now historians are able to apply this prophecy to exactly what again? Well, I say it's been happening since the birth of the U.S. in July 4, 1776. We the people would apply this fourteenth century prophecy to the actions made by Republicans and Democrats, the Green Party and Communist Party.

Furthermore, let us not forget his prophecy made about the events to take place during the twelfth century:

"The remonstrances made to the ungrateful people, thereupon the army will seize Antibes: The complaints will place Monace I the arch, and at Frw:jus the one will take the shore from the other."

Well this one is easily explained. If you take Kiss's 1987 record, "Crazy Nights" and play it backwards, you come up with Nostradamus's twelfth century prophecy.

I'm not saying that Nostradamus was just some grandpa who forgot to take his daily meds. and became color crayon happy. But if he was in fact a prophet as some people say and have come to believe, you would think he would be able to pinpoint exact dates of these life altering events, the people involved and the outcome. I'll say this, I lost all faith in Nostradamus when he failed to predict the worst devastation to have ever fall upon society. The release of Hanson's MMMBop in 1996. Yeah, well where were you then Nostradamus? That's what I thought.

Now as for Edgar Cayce. This guy has really freaked me out totally. Called sleeping prophet, he has moved me to go out and buy a rosary and a Holy Bible. We all know that astrology and God aren't supposed to mix. In fact, to read your daily horoscope is to tango with the devil himself! Yet, this guy is not only a devouted Christian, but he's as well psychic. Throughout his 40-some odd years of readings he has made many diagnose's on simple and complex medical conditions to predictions about the future; which surprising have proven to be true. His predictions are detailed and can pinpoint down to the year or era this event was to occur. In one prediction, it was said that he foresaw a shift of the earth's poles around the millennium (between 1958 and 1998) which would result from the earth's crust moving independently from the core. This would bring a different surface area over the spin axis. The cause of the earth's changes will be the shift in the world's magnetic poles around the year 2000. He predicted that when this pole shift occurs, it would begin reversals in the world's climate so that:

"...where there has been a frigid or semi-tropical climate, there will be more tropical one, and moss and fern will grow."

In 1998, the pole shifting occurred. According to NASA's Goddard Space Flight Center, in 1998 something changed the earth's gravitational field, which moved the magnetic poles closer together. And thus started the process of global warming. It looks like 2007 Nobel Peace prize winner Al Gore will have to be stripped of his medal. Too bad Cayce didn't get his predictions copyrighted or patented before his death.

Strangely what these two have in common is their ability to predict their own deaths. As morbidly creepy as it sounds, their death predictions were indeed precise.

July 1, 1566, Nostradamus's assistant wished him a goodnight, where he reputedly pronounced, "You will not find me alive at sunrise". He was found dead on July 2, 1566.

January 1, 1945, Cayce announced that he would be buried in four more days. This was yet another prediction that proved to be true.

So it makes me wonder if the predictions of Cayce and Nostradamus are too far fetched, or should we all keep their words in the back of our minds. In their predictions, below are the things we should keep an eye on for the future are:

1.) The year of the second coming of Christ (may have already happened).
2.) A new discovery in astronomy will occur
3.) There is a possibility of a World War III
4.) Major archeological discoveries concerning human origins will be found
5.) China will become a Christian nation
6.) Volcanic activity will proceed major earthquakes
7.) America's west coast will be destroyed
8.) Ocean levels will rise significantly
9.) Dramatic changes in coastlines around the world
10.) Major earth changes will occur in America
11.) A new era of peace and enlightenment will follow the tremendous earth changes

That's some major change!!!! Now you don't need to go out and stock up on bottled water and cans of Spam yet. It is still the year 2008. These changes are to take place over large spans of time. As put well by Prince Gautama, "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind of the present moment." I couldn't agree with this more myself.

What Dreams May Come - Oh Baby!

Okay last night I had this dream and it freaked me out. Last time I had this dream, it had adverse consequences that I wasn't happy with. Normally I pay no mind to bad dreams, as I believe that they are just our fears playing in our subconscious. Mostly dreams will only be an affect of the events that took place during the day. What you eat, what you watch, what you read and certain events can determine your dreams you have that very evening. When trying to analyze my dreams, I always take this into consideration. However, this one was different.

The dream:
I dreamt that I had a feeling I was pregnant. I had missed my monthly flow and it was a bad feeling. I went to the corner store and bought 15 different home pregnancy tests. These were no ordinary pregnancy tests. Instead of the usual way of testing by urine, you had to spit on the stick. All of them came up positive. All the happy faces, (+) signs, (=) lines and blue for "yes" appeared. I freaked out and ran back to the corner store and bought another 20. For some reason I didn't believe I could be pregnant. There had to be some mistake. Again, they all came up positive. After that, I sat on the edge of my bed and cried with my face in my hands. That is when I woke up.

My initial analysis:
OH MY GOD I'M PREGNANT, FUCK!!!! I only say this because last time I had a dream like this, 4-5 more dreams followed that. It was my body telling me that I was pregnant. So to have this dream again only freaks me out. It's a long story how this all played out in the past, but it's something that I don't want to go through until I'm ready to have a baby. Now is definitely not the time.

What the dream people say:
To dream that you are taking a pregnancy test, may be a metaphor for a new phase you are entering in your life (a new job, relationship, etc.) You may feel that you are being put to the test as to whether you are prepared or ready for these changes. Alternatively, this dream may be literal in meaning and address your anxieties/fears of getting pregnant. To dream that you are pregnant (because I found out and cried remember?), symbolizes an aspect of your life or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing. You may not be ready to talk about it or act on it. This may also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project or goal.

My conclusion:
OH THANK YOU GOD!!!! Because it if it said, "You might be pregnant, go get a test done", I'd would leave work in the middle of the day and sit in the O.B.G.Y.N. office until I found out the results. I see how this all makes sense to me. And this 2nd analysis from the dream people really does apply to me. This stuff makes me nervous....But I'm thinking I need to pay a visit just in case. You best believe that I will be monitoring the end of the month VERY carefully.

GOD

When I was a little girl, I was Baptized and brought up in the religious affiliation of Roman Catholicism. Being a rambunctious 4 old in my dark blue silk Sunday School dress with white ruffles, I didn't have a care in the world. I just wanted to color that cool picture of Jesus or St. Paul. My only concern was trying to stay inside the lines.

The year I turned 7, I was brought to live with my aunt from my mothers side. She had thought it to be a great idea to have me and my younger brother attend a Seventh Day Adventist Church. It was hard for me to conform to a different set of rules while attending the church. It was emotionally harder because I always thought that going to church was supposed to be a family affair. Growing up in a small town in Northern California, you were sneered at if your entire family didn't attend church come Saturday morning. My brother and I were dropped off on the sidewalk ever Saturday at 7am and picked up at 1pm after the church potluck. As for eating meat which I had become accustomed to as a little girl, forget about it! I did muster enough courage to ask my aunt why she didn't attend church with me and my brother. Her response was less than disappointing. She felt that she had paid her dues as a child. Since when did church become an obligation?

Between Pathfinders, youth groups and outings, we were surrounded by religion and our world engulfed in the teachings of the way of the Adventist.

The summer I turned 17, I was forced to move out and start living for myself. As your average teenage girl, my emotions were like a roller coaster. I felt that if my parental figures considered me adult enough to move out, then I needn't to no longer attend church. I stopped going and more than willingly gave up the religious world altogether. I no longer wanted any part of it. It had left a sour taste in my mouth. I had given up on God, as I felt he had given up on me.

Throughout life my faith has been tested many times. The hardest part for me to comprehend was how people use God as an excuse or a crutch for their mistakes. For example; if you take your classic drug addict and either throw them in jail or put them through rehab, when all is lost and they have hit rock bottom, almost overnight they become a whole new person who has turned over a new leaf. They find God! They preach to the world about how God has saved them from their sins. They talk about how God has washed away all their transgressions. Come three months down the road, God isn't present in their minds or hearts anymore. They're not thinking about how to spread The Word so that God can work for others as he has in them. Oh no, they're thinking about that next hit, that 40 oz. in a brown paper bag, or that next hustle. Then just like that, God is gone as if he never existed in the first place. Maybe six months later he will reappear when they are back where they started. Rock Bottom.

Having seen this over and over again, I had decided that organized religion was not worth my time. The orderly church and the so-called people of religion have become so convoluted. So much negativity has come out of religion. People love, cry and die by their faith. Faith alone has lead many people (including myself) to question God in times of devastation.

As an adult I had attended a few Christian churches, some Catholic churches and one Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have not committed myself to any one religion and don't plan on it anytime soon. This makes me a perfect target for those who like to recruit new members to their churches. I found organized religion very contradictory. Yes; follow the 10 commandments and just believe; that alone will get you into heaven. But the deeper you get into any specific religion, the more rules apply in order for you to make up to those puffy white clouds.

I'm not trying to paint a disdain picture of organized religion, or detour avid believers by any means. God and organized religion has many benefits as well. I always felt a little empty without the belief of God, so my faith always remained. My affiliation however was always in question, which is why I choose not to attend church. Many realists will say that believing in God makes you naive. I like being naive. Being naive helps me not think negatively or become overwhelmed by life.

Now that I'm older, I longer concerned myself with attaching myself to any specific religion. I figure that God (assuming he exists), would want me to be happy. My childhood religious influences have provided me with a good foundation, which I believe everyone should have. However, as for picking a religion to follow, I choose not to go that route.